Journals-Part III

Since my last blog, titled Journals Part II, I have been feeling quite uninspired to write any new pieces. I don’t know why this happens to me, but it always does. Sometimes, I’m really motivated to write, but other times, I end up pleading for energy to pull myself out of this black hole that surrounds me.

And the cycle continues, with no one to help; and sometimes I’m not there to even help myself; if that makes any sense. And with this, there is always an element of guilt that ignites within me if I’m not doing what I’m supposed to. During high school and also at tertiary, I would always start feeling eerily different, even out of place and mind, if I hadn’t revised for an exam that was approaching.

It was the guilt factor that kept me going back then, and it has now as well. And right now, I can feel the guilt of not writing for the past few days, and perhaps that is what I need to inspire me to write.

Maybe it’s that innate ability within me to continue doing the things that I should be. Also, I’m more of an introvert, so that acts as a natural alarm to remind me of what I need to be doing. But there have also been occasions where I have found inspiration in the many uninspiring moments.

I still remember filling up my diary with poetry and journals back in high school. It would form an addiction every evening after the long and tiring walk from the school. And still, there is something elegant, something rewarding every time I put my thoughts into words. It feels like I’m able to talk to someone and share with them how I have been feeling lately when no one would bother to ask. The pages also act as spaces for us to express ourselves without being judged.

I still have a lot of questions that need answering but have also realized that there is meaning too in unfulfillment. These days are dark, but so too were the days of childhood and early youth. Pain just never seems to stop no matter how many stars we wish under.

That realization alone has inspired me. After all, there is far too much meaning in chaos than there will ever in comfort.

I wonder how our ancestors lived 10,000 years ago. Did they think as I do? What would they be doing right at this hour when I’m here talking about how uninspired I have been feeling lately?

In the search for a deeper meaning, I tend to find acceptance in the shallowness that I get to experience every day. It’s just a hollow feeling inside one's heart, and one would just have to live through its verses to get a clearer understanding of it perhaps. And if that weren’t part of me, I don’t know if I’d even be able to recognize myself right now.

-Yogesh Chandra