Journals-Part II

Once we start dreaming; the world eventually starts gleaming, and with happiness, it would seem, we are teaming.

But my dreams are not like yours. I once dreamt of sadness and that is what I got; in its purest state. And I could never amplify it because I got what I asked for.

But how did I end up dreaming about sadness?

Well, in all fairness, I have mostly seen the roller coaster of emotions going down. Perhaps it’s that innate ability within me to have lived through with these phases, that has kept me going all this while.

I still remember my father going out to search for me after I had not returned home from selling mangoes one afternoon. I hadn't managed to sell all of them, which is why I was late for home. After doing so, and as I made my way home, I couldn’t stop thinking about him; every thought that must be going through his mind.

With a few coins gripped to my left hand, I rushed through the train tracks; and through the tracks, I cried. It was already dark and I was just 9.

Midway through, I sensed a figure approaching but still could not visualize who it could be. I prayed and my heart cried for it to be papa, and there he was, right in front of me. He was profusely happy to have found me, which I could tell by the look on his face. And that evening, I felt a different kind of happiness.

It was the kind of happiness that only a few poems in the world could describe. Maybe that’s why it no longer visits me now. But the sheer spontaneity of it still breathes inside of me, which I can closely feel from time to time.

Sometimes; the thought of papa coming to search for me; to save me now as I’m surrounded by that same path of darkness is all that I can dream of perhaps. And the idea of darkness hasn’t changed much over the years despite it changing its many forms.

Other times, I dream of sadness; not to glorify it, but to feel the constant poetry in all of us. You see; happiness is just a construct, and by default, we are all sad. And what better way to live than finding the tune in sadness a little bit inspiring.

But like any other person, I have a list of other dreams.

And I’m quite patient with it. In the meantime, I find meaning through poetry. It’s the only thing that is real.

-Yogesh Chandra